Growing up and growing apart..

Growing up is something inevitable. At some point or another we need to realise we are no longer kids or teenagers, we are adults and it’s time we recognise that.

When you are a teenager your only priority is your education, the rest of your world is pretty easy, yes there is the drama but you have a freedom to do what you want and spend so many endless nights laughing with your friends and making memories. 

When the Summer comes, every day starts and ends with you friends, you eating together, drink together, laugh together and grow together. 

Then the day comes when you have finished highschool and college, Adulthood. It seems innocent at first, one of your friends gets a job, then another and like a domino affect, yourself and your friends are all working and having such an unscheduled life that no one knows what they are doing. 

The days on end you all spent together become memories and your lucky if you can see them once a month or on special occasions. 

You’ll realise that as well as not seeing each other, you don’t talk as much. It’s not as if you have fallen out, you still adore eachother but you are drifting apart. 

Drifting apart from your school friends is a very normal part of adulthood. We all get caught up in our own lives, trying to survive and make a living. I admit I do get nostalgia and get upset and lonely thinking about all the friends I have lost over the years due to my and their busy life. 

And don’t forget about growing apart, you are at one level and maturity and they are at another. Maybe you are married with a baby and they are clubbing all the time. Maybe you fell out of love with your old interests and now don’t have as much in common as your old friends. It’s all very normal.

In conclusion? Growing up sucks but embrace it, go the extra mile and call an old friend, arrange a coffee date, or just go out into the world and make new friends, give those co-workers a chat and see if you bond! 

C xx

Makeup does not define me

I’ve been wearing makeup since I was around 14. 

What caused me to start wearing makeup? I was being bullied and honestly believed I was ugly, I started wearing powder and mascara to make myself more presentable and have a higher chance of alluring my crush. It didn’t work. 

By the time I turned 16 I was watching all sorts of makeup on YouTube and reading magazines to learn more about makeup, the styles and types. I started doing my eyebrows and eyeliner on top of my typical every day look. However at this point it gave me confidence and empowered me and I realised that make up should be used for the girl and not used to impress others. 

My makeup has gone through different styles, lipstick heavy, even shadow heavy and eyeliner heavy, depending on my mood and my outfit. 

Nowadays my makeup is done pretty much the same each time I do it, I do use every makeup product in existence but i feel that I have learnt what I like and what makes me feel pretty.

But I do not wear makeup everyday, most of the time you’ll catch me with bare skin, acne and all! I have learnt to feel confident in who I am and how I look, regardless of what others think, I’ll wear makeup when I want to and I will wear as much or as little as I feel nessacry. If I want to look extra when I got grocery shopping then I will, or if I want to walk round town bare faced then I am really happy to do so! 

The point is, regardless of what people say to you or the looks you get? Do you. Say full it and Wear the makeup you want, when you want or do the opposite, don’t feel like you need to wear makeup if you don’t want to! 

C xx

Stop telling kids they are fat!

I’ve been ‘fat’ or ‘overweight’ for as long as I can remember, I mean I have seen pictures from when I was a toddler and I was pretty thin, however at 7 years old I moved house and since then my weight has just piled on and on and on etc.. 
At first I never cared about my weight, I honestly didn’t see it as a problem, until I reached High School, I got called fat and obese by my family and school peers. Funny that isn’t it? There is something about reaching puberty in which people expect you to be ‘perfect‘ and honestly this is so wrong, at 14 I still wanted to play with dolls, I didn’t care how my hair was style, that I didn’t wear makeup and my weight didn’t bother me as I was still healthy, that was until people started pointing it out.
Which made me start to wear makeup and buy nicer and more fashionable clothes, but surely this makes me someone else as It’s not me that really wants the change.
My weight was a battle, I was made to feel that I wanted to be thin, but I really freaking liked food, I would pick a burger over a salad any-day because salad to me, tasted disgusting (this hasn’t changed).
At 16 I finally decided to lose the weight, I ran 20 mins a day and ate nothing but cous cous and ham sandwiches, I lost 2 stone in 6 months and suddenly people kept commenting on how nice I looked, though I wasn’t happy because all I wanted was a fucking cheesecake or pizza.
I managed to keep my weight around the same till i was 18, sort of gaining a bit and losing some, but i was smoking which meant I kept more off and I also ate a hella tonne of junk food, I should have got very fat at this point, I didn’t so it gave me the false idea that I could eat what I want.

Then at 18 my father passed away and in the first month I lost about 6 pounds, after that It just piled on and on until, 3 years later, I have gained 5 stone and I don’t know where that came from. I’ve not eaten terribly and nor have I been sedentary, Alas I still see my body today and it’s covered in stretchmarks and flab which is not what I wanted at 21 years old and It’s got to the point that I’m getting ill from it, so I’m now dieting and getting it under control. this time I am determined.

The difference between this diet and my last? That I actually want to lose weight and not so it pleases other peoples eyes but so I can be healthy and have better skin, anything to avoid going the the doctor over illnesses that can clearly be avoided.

Verdict? We should be taught about living a healthy lifestyle, not about losing weight to be an Instagram model. All you are doing by calling kids fat is giving them a life long battle with body dysmorphia. 

Where did all the compassion go?

I am someone who was raised to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, to listen and just generally be compassionate and understanding. 
But every-time I make my way out into this huge world (yes sometimes I do leave the house), I get hit in the face pretty hard by the lack of compassion and respect that people have for one another.
You can give people priority, move out of the way for them or help them on a bus, but chances are you wont get a thank you.
You can do a good deed but people just will expect that they were entitled to that, it’s so rewarding when people are grateful but most of the time its just a grunt, like what is that supposed to mean?
Luckily you are not forced to do good deads and have morals so you can easily avoid the disappointment of all of those rude strangers.
However the real struggle comes when this rude and un-compassionate nature comes from your teachers, family and health professionals. 
Teachers need to be understanding and supportive for their students to succeed, a student might lack motivation or might get depressed feeling like their hard work is worth nothing or that because they are quiet they aren’t getting the attention they need to build their confidence, they might slip in grades because they are too scared to ask for help.
Family may be your blood but it does not mean that you have to do all their bidding. Coming from a family with a parent who was mentally abusive and a brother who was physically abusive, I was defiantly taken for granted, I did all the chores and extra that I was told to do, but my brothers would refuse to do it and get away with it, if i said no then all hell would be let loose. I was physically and mentally bullied to be a slave and for what reward? I am not close to that brother anymore and I still feel no ounce of love for my mother for what she has put me through. Family needs to treat everyone as an equal and use their love to nurture and care. After all, you should be trying to have a family because you have love to give, not to get benefits or to get chores done.
The one that really gets my blood boiling however is Doctors and health professionals. I have some bad mental health issues and because they know this, I am not allowed to be sick or ill as they always assume it is all in my head. My mental health gets brought up before I even get to describe whats wrong with me and what I feel. I understand mental health can cause physical issues, but treat me like a real human and make sure it is not physical before you attack me for being crazy. The NHS needs to be better than this as it is so dangerous, I avoid going to doctors now and that may one day be fatal. Health care needs to be understanding and compassionate as everyone is different and we all have different brains, get to know us before assuming the worst of us.

What are your views?

C xx

Are pets and toddlers the same thing?

The amount of times I will complain to my friends and family about how my pet cat, Havana, and Dog, Sooty, are basically toddlers. 

Take Sooty for example: 

  • She always demands attention and will sulk if we ignore her. 
  • She’d rather eat anything than the food given to her. 
  • She will eat anything she can find and fit in her mouth (But not her food).
  • She gets upset when someone new is in the house and then gets upset when they leave?! 
  • She poops lots and gets it stuck to her. 
  • She will let me know only 2 seconds before she empties her bladder. 
  • Everything is a toy to her. 

And Havana? 

  • He is always asking for attention, he won’t get upset, he will just follow you until he gets attention and won’t let you stop.
  • He is always hungry and acts like he is never fed. 
  • When he’s given fusses he decides that he’s bored and runs off. 
  • He thinks he’s a superhero, spiderman, to be exact in he middle of the night and keeps us up. 

They both squabble and fight for our love. The only time they are quiet is when they just sit and stare at eachother for hours. 

So toddler mum’s, are there any similarities? 

C xx

Let’s talk about Vaginas

OK, so in my experience, half of us don’t batter an eyelid when vaginas and periods are mentioned, but the other half seem to freak out and think that it is the most disgusting thing in the world!
But we all know that us woman all have one and they are all different in terms of shapes and sizes and how it wants to work. Some of us have peach shaped vaginas and some of us have flower shapes and there are all kinds of others in between, just like some of us will have really small vaginas and others won’t. Obviously things can change this, such as childbirth and sex etc.  
This however is not the most important thing I want to talk about, I wan’t to talk about that time of the month, or for some, that thing that should come every month but likes to appear whenever it can be bothered. 

I started my period at 12 years old, 4 years after developing my boobies (try being an 8 year old wearing a bra, urgh!). My periods were always 3 days long and pretty frequent and on time. When I was 15 I was with a long term partner and we decided that I should go on the pill as we didn’t want to trust condoms, we had already had a scare and something that looked  like a miscarriage. It was such a scary experience but I had my lovely friend with me who was older and tonne more wiser than teen brain me.
I was on this pill for a good few months and very quickly I noticed changes, my periods got so very painful and we put it down to the fact that my mum had painful periods as a teen too. However I would have to take days off school because I couldn’t even make the 10 minuet journey to catch the bus without keeling over in pain, luckily the pains only lasted a day or so. My dad helped me find tablets and things to ease the pain but nothing really worked.
When I was 16 I was diagnosed with ‘Factor 5 Liden’, following my mum having a stroke in her early 40s, It turns out that the combined pill that I was on, was very very dangerous to me and could have killed me by causing clots. So I changed pills, I tried every single one, some made me discharge so much that I couldn’t have sex without lying in a pool of who knows what (not sexy) and some I just forgot to take. So by the time that relationship had ended and I had met my next long term boyfriend, I had decided to go on the implant.
The implant is kind of like a bobby pin that they inject into your arm, it looks huge and I am sure you would have been handed a wired faux skin thing to feel what it would be like in your arm. Honestly It did not hurt one bit and left no mark or blood, so for 3 years I got to be protected against pregnancy (the chances of conceiving on this are very very slim) and I spent a lot of that time fiddling with my implant and making people touch it as I found it very entertaining that I could feel something weird in my left upper arm.
Alas, last summer I had my implant taken out as it needed to be replaced, so I had it removed and it was like a blood bath, the woman messed up a little and got blood everywhere although it was a small cut, and it did feel weird taking it out, she stuck some sticky strips on my tiny wound and it never closed up, though that might be because I peeled them off after a few days because I fiddle a lot and anything that I can peel, I will peel (which is why my nail polish only lasts a day). FYI the implant didn’t cause me any issues but it sure did not stop my periods or the pain!
Then the conversation came to what I would chose next as a contraception, I didn’t want another implant is as I could not go through removing it again, so I went for the depo. It’s a little injection into your lower back that will last 3 months, unfortunately 2 months in me and my husband decided we wanted a baby, we knew that the depo takes months to wear off an boy did it cause havoc with my periods.

SO consider that my periods were 28 days and regular before the injection.
In September (first month without contraception), my cycle was 45 days.
In October my cycle was 32 days.
in November my cycle was 50 days, as I was in-fact pregnant, but had miscarried.

Since my miscarriage my cycle varies from 30 – 34 days and lasts 8 days on average. Which is really fucking shitty when you want to have a baby or find out when you are ovulating.

The point of this post? Mostly because I have had tender boobs and twinges in my tummy and back pain for a week now and I am vary aware it could be pregnancy but I honestly think that my vagina is a dick and is just giving me super long PMS. So i’m just a bit of a emotional wreck, I spent yesterday crying and signing out my feelings (i’m not even upset).

So what are your experiences with periods and contraception?

c xx

Ill as an adult vs Ill as a kid

Being Ill as an adult is so much worse than being ill as a kid, these are the reasons why. 

  1. You get the day off school to watch TV, as an adult your lucky to get the day off work and if you do, you’ll be catching up or chores and things you haven’t had the time to do. 
  2. Medicene such as Calpol tastes so damn good, adult medicene is just honey and lemon, which I for one don’t like. 
  3. People feel bad for you and offer to help you as a kid so you can stay in bed, as an adult all you get is “I’ve only had one day off in my working life, man up” 
  4. As a kid you gorge on the ice cream and lucozade your parents have lovingly given you, as an adult you know that if you want sweet treats, you have to go out and get them and spend the money that you are now not earning as you are off sick. You have to chose between next week’s food shop and all the medicene and and ice cream you want to feel better.
  5. As a kid they do a thorough check over you at the doctors to make sure it’s nothing serious, as an adult they prescribe you expensive paracetamol and tell you to go away. 

This is just my personal opinion bare in mind as I am currently ill with flu or a cold, nostalgia is hitting me hard! 

How do/did you cope with illness? 

C xx

Why you should get a routine

So today I wanted to talk about how important routine is, especially if you do not work or are in education. Some of us, including me tend to let routine slip and end up not doing much with our day which can really effect our moods. 
For me, when I lost my job I made the most of relaxing as my job was demanding, but one month turned into 5 months of relaxing and now I am still out if a job and only just have started making and routine. 

Routine gives us purpose and a reason to get up and live our lives, without it there is nothing stopping us from spending the say in bed watching videos on the Internet or binge watching Netflix. 

So my advice is to make a list of the simple things you need to do each day that you may forget to do. Lists also motivate you to complete a task, especially if like me you can be a little OCD. 

For example my list is: 

  1. Take my vitamins
  2. Excercise
  3. Walk the dog
  4. Write a paragraph of my book
  5. Read  chapter of a book 

All these things make me feel like I am being productive and am not wasting my life. I really do recommend making am list and finding a routine that suits you! 

C xx

How do you know?

Good evening everyone! I hope you all are well!

Today I wanted to talk to you about making decisions.
How do you know when you have made the right choice and how do you even know how to decide?

I’ve had a stressful few months as I left my job in November, meaning money has got super tight and Harry is barely earning a fraction of what we need to survive. Ultimately it means that I need to go and get a job, but this is the issue, I went through so much shit in my last job that I am scared to get a new one and yes it sounds like a copout. I just don’t know how to explain how bad my anxiety is right now, I can barely take a phone call or go outside and every time I got to a doctor they treat me like shit as they don’t try to listen.
I know that I need to go to and change my Surgery and see a new GP so I can get help and then get a job.
But what do I do in the mean time? how do I earn money? do I risk going on job seekers or is it not worth it?
I don’t even know if I could handle a job at the moment, I get panic attacks when I get interview offers.

I hope I am not the only one in the world who has had this issue.

Any advice?



A blast from the past

Todays post is about time and the way we change.

Yesterday I went to see my favorite band, All Time Low, I have been a huge fan for about 10 years now and it was on my bucket list to see them live (they were awesome live btw), so for my birthday last year I begged my husband to take me. It was the best present I have ever received but it also got me thinking.

As I was standing in the que, waiting for the doors to open, I felt like I was looking back on my past, there were so many young girls with their dyed hair, back skinny jeans and band shirts, I supposed I couldn’t help but giggle, I was almost shocked to be reminded that once upon a time, I looked like that and probably had the same thinking, that I had to see this gig or it would be the end of the world, that I had to look pretty in case I met the band etc.

The thing is, I remember feeling all of this and being this person, like it was yesterday, but it was in-fact 8 years ago, which is completely crazy to me as I have no idea where the time went and how I have managed to change so much as a person without realizing.

It’s not just my appearance that has changed, I mean I have changed my wardrobe from being full of clothes that were far too sexy for my age group, to more comfortable and convenient items, I really don’t care about my appearance as much as I did back then. But its also the priorities in my life, the things that once bothered me, really don’t anymore and I think that I am far more understanding and patient than I was back then. I don’t overreact as much and I can have learnt to study both sides of a story before jumping to conclusions. Not to mention that my goals in life have changed, it’s no longer about getting Alex Gaskarth to fall in love with me and more about fulfilling my life with awesome memories and experiences that I can pass onto my future children as bedtime stories.

I guess the point of this post is the exact same thing that your parents have been telling you. “Don’t wish your life away”, because dammit they are right, in a blink of an eye you will be in your 30s and you don’t want to waste that time wanting to be someone else.

Own the moment and live in it.

C xx